


the chord change

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Aftermath of Violence, Anal Sex, Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Homophobia, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 13:04:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Fine, Callum and Whit are married now. It doesn't change how Ben feels.





	the chord change

**Author's Note:**

> this was written this afternoon in something like a fever dream, haha. ben is like super, super soft in this, maybe ooc soft? but I suppose I'm deficient in softbenlove or something. hope you guys enjoy! X

They’re both wearing wedding rings. Callum’s still mostly wearing his suit, except for the tie, except a few buttons. They can hear their families and friends (and wife) only a few rooms away and it’s a  _ mess _ . Ben knows it’s a mess.

He’s done caring.

Fine, Callum and Whit are married now. It doesn’t change how he feels.

“What are we doing?” Callum asks him, holding Ben against a wall and looking as guilty as ever. It almost makes him laugh, really. How did Mr. Nice Guy become the most dangerous thing in Ben’s life?

“Some of us call it snogging, mate.”

“You just watched me tell Whit  _ I do _ . How can you still want this?”

“Not this, Callum.  _ You _ .”

Callum’s eyes go a little darker, and the air gets suddenly thicker, and it blows Ben’s mind that he’s still not getting it after all this time. That Ben could want him this much. That any one could, and mean it. “You can be with someone who’s good to you. Someone who’s out, and proud, and …”

“I don’t want none of that,” Ben says, and it’s probably a lie. “You can do this all you want, get married and be a good family man … but I’ll still wait for ya. I’ll still want ya.”

Callum kisses him again, but it’s still got a hard edge that Ben can’t seem to soften. An extra sting to his bite, an angry curl to otherwise gentle lips. When Callum eventually steps away and straightens up it takes a while for Ben to catch his breath.

Too much and not enough.

“I have to go.”

*

The newlyweds disappear for five days without telling anyone. Ben spends an unhealthy chunk of time straggling in and out of the Funeral Parlour as if that’s not going to seem weird. Ben Mitchell being the head of the  _ Welcome Home _ committee.

By the third day it’s getting stupid and Jay’s getting suspicious so he stops. 

It’s not like he hasn’t got other things to worry about. With his dad and Bobby and the Car Lot it’s a wonder he even has time to think about Callum Highway. 

He does.

Mostly at night when he’s alone with his thoughts. Before he goes to sleep, and as soon as he wakes up. And he knows it can’t be right - putting himself through this - but he thinks about Paul doing it for him. He could only hope to be half the man Paul was.

“Alright, Ben?” a voice chimes out as Ben sits in the cafe with his breakfast. He doesn’t need to look up to know it’s Whit, and he plasters on a dumb smile.

“Ah, the lovebirds have returned have they?”

“We have,” she says with a little giggle. 

“And where’s your worse half?”

“Oh, Jay’s letting him have a lie in. But I wanted to get back into it.”

Ben gulps down what’s left of his coffee. “Good for you. The money ain’t gonna make itself.”

“Says you,” she teases, but he just salutes her as he heads for the door. 

The little logic he has left is telling him  _ stupid, stupid, stupid _ . But the rest of him is thrumming and needy and excited like he hasn’t been in so long. Longer than he can remember.

Callum answers the door in a shirt, boxer shorts and bare feet and he’s never looked so perfect.

“This ain’t a good time,” he lies, but Ben pushes passed him anyway.

“Just saw Mrs. Highway in the cafe, thought I’d stop by and congratulate you.”

Callum slams the door. “I can’t do this with you.”

“Really? Which part? The banter, the kissing …”

“None of it. Nothing. I need to focus on Whit, and work, and I can’t have you hanging about all the time and risking it all, alright?”

Ben tries hard not to let his voice falter. “You didn’t hear me last time, Callum. I ain’t trying to ruin anything for you, yeah? I’m not gonna tell anybody or do anything stupid. I just want you. And I reckon you want me too.”

“I don’t!” Callum protests, and then lets his face fall knowing it’s a stupid lie. “I mean… I don’t want to. I’m grateful that you’re not gonna tell anyone but it’s not that easy, okay. If I keep seeing you. If we keep being together. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t trust myself.”

Ben decides to bridge the distance between them, stepping in and grabbing at Callum; a hand on his shoulder, a hand on his face. He doesn’t look away, but he doesn’t hold on either. “Then trust me instead. Please.”

When Ben pulls him down to kiss him, he’s so relieved when Callum kisses back. He’s so relieved when Callum’s hands go to his back and pull him in closer. He’s so relieved when the kiss is soft and slow and warm and Callum makes a gentle sound into it.

He’s so relieved he relaxes into it and lets go completely.

It’s been such a long time.

*

Ben finds a little two bedroom flat for him, Lola and Lexi. They’d overstayed their welcome at his mum’s place, he knows - plus he knew Lola didn’t trust Bobby. He had to put his daughter first, especially if it meant keeping her around.

They settle in quickly (thanks to Jay and Billy and Ben’s family) and it feels right to be just the three of them again, even if him and Lola are trying to build their own lives.

“Well? What d’ya think?” he asks Callum when he invites him around, handing him a can from the fridge.

“It’s good, yeah,” Callum says, but he’s distracted by all the family photos Lola’s put up on the wall - mostly Lexi when she was small, a few recent ones.

It gives Ben hope that she’s starting to see Walford as home.

“It’s all a bit naff,” Ben jokes, coming to stand shoulder to shoulder with Callum and taking a sip of his beer. “But Lexi likes it.”

“It’s weird that I don’t know that whole side to you. Being a dad.”

“There’s not much to know.”

Callum gives him a look. “Seriously? With the dads we ended up with? It ain’t a small task, Ben.”

“Lola’s a great mum. Kept giving me chances. I don’t think I’d have what I’ve got with Lexi if it weren’t for her.”

“Well I’m glad you do,” Callum says with a soft smile, and Ben can’t help but smile back.

“Yeah, me too.”

Their gaze lingers for a beat, and then two, and Ben can’t think of anything else to do except turn in for a kiss, a hand around Callum’s neck. The tips of his ears are red, and Ben is moved to bring his hand around to touch one. Hair and skin and body so soft and Ben wants to get his hands all over him.

“Is this why you asked me over?” Callum asks him quietly where their mouths are still almost pressed together. 

“No. We can sit on the sofa and watch  _ Love Island _ if you really want.” 

“Sofa,” Callum repeats, and Ben pushes him over there, Callum falling onto his back and Ben crawling on top of him. They just kiss for long moments, just rock a little desperately into each other through the static of their jeans - and Ben’s half way through pushing Callum’s shirt up and off when they both hear Lola unlocking the front door and talking to Lexi.

It has to be a record, how quickly they stand up and act presentable.

“Callum,” Lola says, obviously confused, while Lexi runs and jumps in Ben’s arms. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he says, ears redder and smile wonky. “I just came round to see the place. But I gotta get home now, so I’ll see you both later, yeah?”

After he runs out of the place like he’s suddenly on fire, Lola just gives Ben a look. It mostly says,  _ you idiot _ .

Ben just takes Lexi to her room to play.

*

Ben gets it, he does. This pull between them. This connection. They’ve both come from families they don’t belong with, and both tried to scrap together a family of their own. Mosaics, really - broken pieces of other people’s lives that are beautiful in their own way when you join them all as one.

Ben, with Jay and Lola and Lexi. Callum with Whit, and Mick and Linda. 

Ben doesn’t talk about some of the worst bits. Heather and jail and his knuckles bruised and bloody from punching his father in the face. And Callum doesn’t talk about his either. Being a kid, and joining the army, and trying to smash his leg in with a bottle like that was going to solve his problems.

They both had their ways of coping.

“Who was your first girlfriend?” Ben asks Callum when they’re still both naked in Callum’s bed, smelling of soap and sweat and sex. 

“What?”

“You know, in school or whatever. A girl you’d hold hands with. Or smile at across the room.”

Callum still looks confused. “Oh um, I didn’t really have one. At school.”

“Yeah? How’d you get away with that, handsome?”

Ben’s smiling at him but he can’t help but notice how tense Callum’s gotten, his face suddenly drawn as he sits up. “Just didn’t happen. What about you? Just girls at school?”

“Callum, it’s fine,” he says, rolling over and pressing a kiss to Callum’s shoulder. “I knew Whit was your only … it was a stupid question, sorry.”

“No, no. I'm just embarrassed, I guess. That I ain’t much of a man or whatever.”

“Having girlfriends don’t make you a man. Or boyfriends, partners, whatever.”

“I guess not. It’s just, when you’re in the army and they’re always going on about it, you know. Women and sex and … I felt really useless. Weak.”

“You’re  _ not _ ,” Ben insists, sitting right up now and grabbing Callum’s hand to hold. He knows the feeling - being surrounded by a lot of dangerous, ‘macho’ men. He had to learn this about himself too. “Who you sleep with don’t define you. If it’s none, if it’s loads … it don’t matter.”

Callum just gives Ben a small smile, bringing their joined hands into his other one. “So…” he starts, looking a little coy. “Do I do alright? For a beginner?”

Ben can’t help the shot of laughter that bursts out, enjoying Callum’s now big grin. He pulls his hand away but only so he can come up and straddle Callum’s hips.

“Oh, so now he’s fishing for compliments.”

“Always.”

Ben leans in to kiss him, open and wet and a little dirty, lapping at his chin. Callum’s hands are on his chest before they’re coasting across his body - so much more explorative now, allowing himself to enjoy it. “You do much, much better than alright,” Ben says, kissing him once more, quickly, before slowly crawling back down his body to show him how much he enjoys it, too.

The sex, yes, but not just that.

Not as much as he just enjoys having Callum to himself.

*

Lou called it ‘the big man stuff’ once. Ben’s shield against his dad, and against the world. He’s tough and strong and doesn’t take people’s crap. He was a pushover once, it’s not happening again.

With Callum, he’s another person altogether.

He’s reminded of the man he was with Paul, and that scares him. Because he knows he has real feelings for Callum, and that they’re not going away any time soon. But he also knows the thing between them has a shelf life. They can’t go on like this forever.

“You ain’t subtle, you know?” Jay says when they’re having a pint at The Vic. Callum’s with Whit and The Carters on the far end of the bar, laughing about something MIck said. It sets Ben’s teeth on edge.

“What?”

“You and your thing with Callum.”

Ben almost chokes on his beer. “ _ What _ ?”

“Your little crush or whatever. It’s obvious.”

“Right. I have a crush on Callum,” Ben scoffs, but he can feel his drink going sour in his gut. Jesus, he’s worse than he thought. “Pull the other one, mate.”

“It’s fine, I get it. He’s a good looking bloke, nice to everyone.”

“Maybe you’ve got the crush on him.”

Jay rolls his eyes. “Ha, ha. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, bruv. We all get like that sometimes. Maybe just aim for someone less, y’know. Married and straight.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll do that.”

Jay leaves not long after, giving him another teasing remark about quitting the starry eyes - but Ben orders another pint. He manages to keep his eyes to himself for the most of it, and it ends up being Callum that follows him into the loo later. He’s not even pretending to be there for any other reason.

“Alright?” he says to Ben with a nod, watching Ben wash his hands.

“Hey. Having fun, hubby?”

Callum doesn’t react. “Just thought I’d say hi.”

“Bit risky, innit? What if your brother sees?”

“He ain’t around. You want to meet up later?”

Of course I do, Ben thinks to himself, I always do. He wonders what Callum thinks about this, what he thinks Ben thinks about this. Does he realise Ben’s not touched another man in months? Does he realise he waits by his phone for a text?

Or is Ben just a means to an end? Is Ben just scratching the itch?

In the end, he supposes, it doesn’t really matter.

“Your place or mine?”

*   
  


Ben buys them a hotel room for a night - a nice place in town with mints on the pillows and towels folded into some kind of bird. It takes him a few weeks to convince Callum, which doesn’t surprise him. A whole night together with no possible disruptions.

It’s a big thing.

It feels big.

“All this time I’ve known ya, I didn’t know you could eat,” Ben teases, watching Callum finish off his dinner plate. They’ve ordered in and put on a movie and that’s different too. Not having to rush to the sex.

“You just ain’t seen me eat steak,” Callum says with a laugh, then pinches a chip off Ben’s abandoned plate. “Poor show from you, though.”

“I had a late lunch.”

“Yeah, okay, sure thing.”

Ben just throws his now scrunched up napkin at Callum and stands to clear their plates. It feels weirdly domestic and not a place he’d find himself again but when Callum grabs his hand as he passes and they lock eyes he thinks, oh, right, this.

“Leave it,” Callum all but whispers. “Please.”

Ben puts the plates down and Callum turns his chair out and then Ben’s being pulled down into his lap, being drawn into a kiss. It’s lovely and sexy and sends a buzzing across every inch of him. Being held and being had. Being wanted.

“We’ve got all night,” he reminds Callum, when Callum starts to pull at Ben’s t-shirt to get it off. His lips are already red, chin a little spotty from Ben’s stubble.

Ben has a burning urge to wreck him.

“I know, so let’s get started, yeah?” he says with a grin and Ben doesn’t know why he’s arguing. He takes off his own top and then wrestles with Callum’s and then Callum’s mouth is all over him and his mouth is all over Callum. It’s hard to know where they start, where they finish, and more importantly where they’re going.

For now, he’ll keep it simple.

“Bed.”

*   
  


Ben’s not sure what wakes him up, at first. It used to be weird dreams, or nightmares - his whole body jumping as he was pulled back into consciousness. This is slower and sweeter though, like emerging from deep water; rolling in waves to the surface.

It’s Callum.

His hand is stroking at his belly, his chest, his mouth is soft at his ear. “Ben, wake up.”

“Mmm, I’m awake, what?”

Callum huffs, a little laugh. “No, wake up properly.”

Ben rolls onto his side and moves in closer, burying his face in Callum’s neck. They’d showered last night (early this morning) but the smell of them still lingers on the bed and in the air. It’s a nice thing to wake up to.

“Is it time to get up?”

“No. It’s only half four.”

“Christ, what’d ya wake me for?”

“Just wanted you,” Callum tells him, a hand on his cheek to tilt his head up for a kiss, and that makes Ben get with the program. He rolls back, Callum above him, and groans into his heated, needy kisses. He can feel Callum already half hard against his thigh, and he can’t help but laugh.

“How long you been watching me sleep you pervert?”

“Shut up.”

They stay like that for long moments, just kissing, Ben enjoying the feeling of Callum above him and on him and all around him. His hands explore the ridges and dips of skin and muscle, his dull fingernails scratching down Callum’s back.

He wishes he could leave a mark.

“You want to fuck me?” he eventually asks, Callum biting down on his shoulder in his shock. “Ah!”

“Sorry, um, sorry.”

“It’s okay. You can say no.”

“No, I just - sorry you just surprised me, that’s all.”

Ben gets up onto his elbows and tries not to spook him. “Really? You haven’t thought about it?”

“Well, sure, yeah. I just …” 

“Well you can. We can, I mean. If you want.”

Callum bites at his lip and gives him the barest of nods and says, so gently, “Yeah, okay. I want. I definitely want.”

Ben kisses him again before getting up to get out his condoms and lube. His hands are shaking as he crawls back onto the bed, Callum sitting up against the headboard and waiting for him. Ben can’t stop the urge to kiss him again, setting a slow and steady pace, groaning as Callum’s hands find his lower back and bare arse.

“I can get myself ready,” he says, both of them hard and wanting and not willing to wait much longer. Callum just gives him a shaky nod and Ben lies down next to him to quickly prepare himself. It’s so exposed and vulnerable and he’s not sure this is going to last - especially when Callum comes in close and his hand finds Ben’s own.

“Let me help, please,” he says, hoarse, and Ben groans when his fingers are  _ right there _ , Callum swallowing the noise with a kiss.

In the end he stays on his back, and Callum cradles Ben’s leg so gently over his shoulder, and when he thrusts in it’s so hesitant, asking,  _ is this okay, are you okay _ , while trying to keep calm.

Ben forgets how to breathe.

Callum’s stuttered and awkward at first, and it takes a while for him to find a rhythm, and he stops now and then to compose himself and chant a heap of swear words into Ben’s ear. Ben laughs, and Callum tells him to shut up with a smile, and it’s so nice, and so beautiful, and Ben feels like he’s sinking into the ground.

When Callum finally works it out, and Ben holds himself together to lift up and meet his thrusts and join him half way - it’s perfect. The mad slap of skin and the crackling of bones and Callum grunting and swearing while Ben shouts at him how good it is, to keep going, he’s perfect.

They come one after the other, just a mess of limbs and mouths and spunk.

Just a mess.

*

Ben’s thought about the truth coming out. He’s always imagined it would be Whit - the two of them getting careless one day and her poor, devastated face just staring back at them. He hates the idea, he’s not here to punish anyone (except maybe himself, but that’s a different story).

He really didn’t think it would be Mick.

“Tell me this is a fuckin’ joke, Callum,” he’s shouting, while Ben’s in the bedroom trying really desperately to do up his pants. He’s not proud of this, he’s not smug, this was never supposed to happen to Callum. Callum wasn’t meant to be the one to get hurt.

“What are you doing here?” Callum yells back, standing in the middle of his flat with nothing on but his boxer shorts. 

“What does that matter? You’re half naked in bed with that geezer and I’m being questioned? I don’t think so, mate.”

“It’s not …” he starts, and then obviously thinks better of it. “I ain’t doing this with you Mick, alright? This ain’t your business.”

“No, mate, it’s Whitney’s. Let’s give her a call, yeah?”

“No. No. Whit’s not finding out about this.”

“Not from me she ain’t. But you better believe you’re gonna tell her.”

“I can’t Mick,” Callum says, and Ben can hear the tears in his voice. This hurts in a lot of ways. The fact that what they have can make other people so angry. The fact that he can’t comfort Callum. The fact that it’s not his place to do that.

He hates that he’s hiding away in the bedroom because it’s what Callum wants. Ben hidden.

“How long has this been going on, huh? Tell me you didn’t marry her when you were… when you knew.”

Callum’s silence is apparently more than Mick needs, because he just swears at Callum some more before slamming his way out of the flat. Ben finishes getting dressed, and sits on the edge of the bed wondering if Callum will come back eventually.

He doesn’t.

He’s sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands and when Ben comes out of the room he says,

“Just go, Ben.”

Ben doesn’t need to be asked twice.

*   
  


The next few weeks pass slowly, silently. There’s no word from Callum, and barely any sight of him - save a run in at the cafe or a quick glance across the square. Ben doesn’t bother trying to chase him down, he knows it will only push Callum further away. Besides, he’s done being angry.

He just can’t get angry about this.

He buries himself in work. In the car lot, and a few dodgy jobs with his dad, and even helping out at The Prince Albert one or two nights when his mum looks ready to have a meltdown. She seems suspicious but she doesn’t question it.

“Daddy,” Lexi says to him over her milkshake, not looking up from her colouring book. “Did you know there are so many stars in space that no one can count them all?”

“Oh, really? I bet I could.”

She cackles. “You could not! There are so, so, so, so, so, so many.”

“Well I’m so, so, so, so, so, so smart!”

Ben’s so distracted by her he doesn’t realise Callum walk in, and doesn’t see him walking over to their table until it’s too late. He’s wearing his work suit, and giving them half a smile, and Ben’s heart misses a beat.

“Alright?” Callum asks. Lexi looks up.

“Is your name Callum?”

“It is. How’d you know?”

“Mummy told me.”

“Oh, okay,” he says, and Ben almost laughs from the look of disappointment. “That’s nice.”

“You think I tell my daughter all about ya?”

Callum shrugs. “Anything’s possible.”

He’s got his hands buried in his pockets, and his shoulders a little hunched. He doesn’t look any different, but it’s been so long since Ben’s seen him that it feels like he’s light years away.

“Well?” Ben says, glancing at Lexi who’s gone back to her book. “Did you need something?”

“No, no, just came in for coffee. Ain’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I’d keep my distance. With everything.”

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry about all that.”

“S’alright. I knew what I was getting into.”

Callum’s ears seem to go a little pinker. His expression falters. “Okay well, maybe we can catch up soon or something?”

“Catch up,” Ben repeats, not holding back the sarcasm. “Yeah, maybe.”

Callum stands there awkwardly for another moment, then says goodbye to them both before walking out without coffee. It hits Ben like a truck - a wave of loss, and sadness. Not that long ago he would never have let Callum leave without demanding more.

“Are you okay, daddy?” Lexi asks, and he looks to see her watching him closely. “Did you and your friend have a fight?”

Ben smiles. “No, sweetheart. No. Daddy’s alright.”

*   
  


When they finally meet up again, it’s because Callum corners him in the car lot. He’s out of uniform in the middle of the day and he smells like whiskey and sweat. 

He’s even got a bottle on him.

“What’re you doing, Callum?

Callum laughs. “Good question. Still trying to work that out.”

Ben pushes him into a chair and takes the bottle - going out the back to put the kettle on. His hands have a slight tremor, like they’re haunted with all the ways he used to touch Callum. All the ways he still wants to touch him.

“Why don’t you talk to me no more?” Callum asks when Ben goes back out with coffee.

“I talk to ya.”

“No, you don’t. Ever since Mick …”

Ben scoffs at him and collapses into his own chair. “What? Caught us in the nud after shagging all over you and your Mrs’s bed? Yeah.”

“It don’t matter. I talked to him. He ain’t gonna say nothing.”

“That ain’t - I gave you space, after that, and it took nearly three weeks before I saw you.”

“Well, I didn’t want to make you think you had to … I don’t know. Put up with all that. It’s so complicated, and you deserve better.”

“If you really think that then why’re you here?”

“Because I’m selfish,” Callum says with a huff, before leaning onto his elbows to get closer. “Because I … I miss ya. So much.”

Ben feels the words like a fist through his chest. He tries not to let it show. “I’m sorry, Callum. I know I said I could do it. I thought I could do it. But I ain’t like Paul, I ain’t patient, and I ain’t good. I can’t help you get through this. I can’t be that person.”

Callum’s eyes are starting to shine with his tears, his face dropping down to try and hide it. “You ain’t - you don’t. That ain’t what I wanted you to be. You don’t have to be that person. You deserve better.”

“I didn’t want better. I just wanted you.”

Callum lets out a small little gasp. “Ben.”

“I love you,” Ben hears himself say, all the words rushing out. Callum’s head shoots up to look at him, but Ben doesn’t back down. He looks right back. “I’m in love with you, Callum, and that’s why this just ain’t gonna work, alright? It wasn’t supposed to get like this, for me, I didn’t want to be like this, but it’s happened. And I can’t … I can’t do this with you no more. I’m done.”

Callum still seems stunned to silence, his mouth slightly open and tears still threatening to run. Ben can’t even bear to be here right now.

“I’m gonna go get myself some lunch. Be gone when I get back, yeah?”

*   
  


Ben winds up in the A&E with a cracked rib and countless cuts and bruises. It’s mostly a surprise he hasn’t been there for a while - at one point in his life he practically knew all the staff by their first names. 

They want to ask a lot of questions about what and who and why, but Ben’s as silent as usual.

Besides, his dad would kill him if he said anything.

And it’s his probably fault he’s here anyway. Sometimes he's not so good at keeping his opinions to himself.

“You got a death wish or something?” Jay scolds when he comes to pick Ben up. He looks mussed and rushed and angry - he’s obviously come straight from work.

“Yeah, or something.”

“Seriously, mate. Lately you seem …”

“What, Jay?” Ben snaps, as they both climb into his car. “Tell me.  _ What _ ?”

“Like this! So bloody defensive. Ready to fight.”

He laughs. “Right, and that’s different how?”

“I don’t know! At one point you seemed happy, you know? Like everything was gonna be alright.”

Ben’s smirk slowly falls away, and he covers his face with a hand. He’s not told Jay, or Lola - though he thinks she’s got a pretty fair idea - and it’s slowly bubbling up, threatening to boil over. He’s not sure he can handle the pressure of Jay being so knowing and caring and loving.

“I’m just stressed with work, and dad and all.”

“Take some time off then, mate. Go away somewhere.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“You don’t owe him,” Jay says, and it takes Ben a moment to realise he means his dad. “Or me. You just gotta take care of you. Get your head on right.”

“Yeah,” Ben says, and appreciates the hand Jay clasps to his shoulder, covering it with his own. “Thanks brother.”

*

Ben doesn’t run away, not from a fight. But he knows now there’s no fight here. He had something good for a while - he made a bed and slept in it - and it’s over. It was always going to be over, it was only a matter of when.

He has to get away.

It’s not for long, a week, ten days. He does the coast, and has a lot of anonymous hookups, and as much as it feels empty and pointless he knows it’s just the first step in getting over it.

He’s recovered from a lot worse.

Besides, it’s not a terrible thing to move on from. It was nice what they had. He’s glad for it. Callum’s the first man he’s opened his heart to since Paul’s died, and he’s grateful to him for giving him that.

Ben might have been Callum’s first man, but Callum was Ben’s first love after despair. After hitting rock bottom. After life got so dark he didn’t recognise himself any more. Not the person he was or the person he wanted to be.

Now that he knew all that was possible again, well.

It’s sad it’s gone. But he’s lucky he had it at all.

*

When he gets back into the borough, it seems quiet. He thinks about seeing Jay, or getting a pint at the Vic, or even heading into the Prince Albert to see if his mum’s around.

But it’s too much. He just goes home.

“You heard, did you?” Lola says over the sound of Lexi’s screeching, Ben barely catching her as she leaps into his arms. 

“Heard what?” he asks, then tenses when her expression changes. “What, Lola, what’s happened?”

“Oh, I thought,” she says, looking guilty. “Callum. He’s come out. Broke it off with Whit and moved back with The Carters.”

If it weren’t for Lexi in his arms, Ben might have fallen to the floor right there. He puts her down gently and tries to steady his shaking hands and he looks at Lola as if he expects to find a lie there. Why would she lie?

“Okay.”

“Ben?”

“Okay, sorry, I - I have to go.”

Ben calls out more apologies as Lexi calls for him, and runs as fast as he can across the square and into The Vic. Linda and Shirley are behind the bar, and Ben’s not sure what he is going to say when he opens his mouth, but it doesn’t matter.

Stuarts there and slamming him against a table.

“You! You dirty little! This is all your fault!”

“Seriously? Again?” Ben snaps, trying to pull Stuarts hands off him while some other people are trying to pull him back. He’s too angry. “Don’t you get bored?”

“I can’t believe you’re showing your face around here again!”

“Me! You’re one to talk!”

“I’m not some perverted little scum like you, praying on confused people. Who do you think you are? You ruined it. Everything.”

“Stuart!” someone yells, and when Stuarts hands let up a little Ben can finally pull away and see. It’s Callum. Ben wills him to look at him, to  _ see _ him, but Callum just stares down his brother. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?”

“You ain’t gonna hurt him again. I won’t let ya.”

“Callum.”

“If you wanna fight, fight me,” Callum goes on, stepping between them. Ben’s chest floods with pride and disbelief - he wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t sure what he expected. “I’m the one you’re angry at. I’m the one that ruined it.”

“No you ain’t, it was him. It was all him from the start.”

“It was me. I was confused. I lied to myself, to Whit, to everyone. But I know now.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m gay. If you can’t deal with that then you ain’t my brother.”

Ben’s never seen Stuart looks so vulnerable before. It doesn’t fill him with as much joy as he thought it would - but he supposes things have changed now. There’s a lot more to lose. “Don’t say that.”

“Just go.”

It takes Callum a long time to turn around and face him. Ben’s almost tempted to grab him and swing him around. But he waits, because what’s a few moments to the months and months he’s already endured?

“Hey,” Callum says when he finally turns.

“Alright?”

“So, uh … a few things’ve changed since you left.”

“I can see that.”

“You want to come upstairs?" Callum asks, and he still looks unsure, like he's waiting for Ben to tell him he never meant it. "Talk about it?”

“Yeah. Yes. Lead the way.”

*

On a Wednesday, Callum tells Ben he loves him.

They’re on the sofa watching telly and Callum’s face is in Ben’s hair and he says,

“You know I love you,” like he just asked where the remote was.

Ben’s hand tightens against Callum’s knee and he says, “I guess I do, yeah,” tipping his head back to see Callum’s smiling.

“I’m so in love with you, and I ain’t sure it’s real, all this. Holding you and telling you that and all of it being okay. I never thought I’d get that.”

“Well you have,” Ben tells him, giving him a quick kiss. “And you know what?”

“You love me too?”

“I love you too.”

“Even better.”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so I almost didn't add the last two scenes but I'm such a sucker for happy endings :/
> 
> [tumblr.](http://thefancyspin.tumblr.com)


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